we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
