is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
