i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
