Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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