if i can run in heels then i can drive
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
