he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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