The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
