Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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