Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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