i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
