I feel great
I just peed on a car
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
