My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
