I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
