I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
