Can Purell be used as lube?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
