Sorry, I don't speak sober.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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