HIV tests are more positive than that guy
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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