When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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