3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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