So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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