You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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