FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
