yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
