It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
