oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
