he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
