So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I still have a little drunk in my system
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
