Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
