Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We just shotgunned beers for America
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
