the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
