Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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