i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
