Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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