if you like me you must not know who I am
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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