how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
