i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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