I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
