My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
