I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
