the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
