I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
