i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
