Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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