my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need moral support for this bender
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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