Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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