Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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