A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
did i walk over a car last night?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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