i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Randomize
