I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
