If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
