Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
