Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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