xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
